Thursday, February 11, 2016

The Year of Everything Wearing Out: Pants Episode

The Year of Everything I Own Wearing Out: The Struggle is Real: The Episode of the Pants.    I really hate shopping for any kind of pants.

I have typical athlete quads, meaning that my thighs are disproportionately large compared to my waist and hips.  Once, at a fancy jeans store where the cheapest pair rang up at $200, I kept going up in size until I found something that fit my quads.  Somewhere in the high 40s, I finally got the pants over my legs... Leaving the top flapping around my body in a puddle of fabric.

"We have a tailor on site", the skinny toothpick of a salesperson said.    

 Nope.    

 That's pretty much my life in pants.  So I hate shopping for them.

It took me over three years to find a pair of skinny jeans that looks OK on me.  My thighs are the one body part I've never felt ashamed or apologetic about.  They are pretty much solid muscle. And I've used them to ride bikes up and down mountains, and to hike rock scrambles, and to run half marathons.    

 What have you done with yours, lately?  So I'm not upset about my power legs at all.    

 THis year, I thought it would be my older jeans that went first.  I only buy very dark washes, and after a few years, as they fade, they become Saturday jeans, and I buy a new pair of super dark washes to be my "nice jeans".  I still had a pair of dark wash jeans that were still dark enough to do duty for a casual office day.    

 I got into work and was simultaneously cooling down and warming up from my ride into work.  It was REALLLLLLY COLD today, in the 20's, so I wore my 3-in-1 ski jacket, with just a regular shirt underneath.  I find this is enough to keep me warm without overheating.  I also wore my Jockey Skimmies- a sort of no-padding, thigh-length, leotard-material short intended to be worn under skirts to give a little more coverage.  I discovered that they make a fantastic, not too hot second layer under jeans as well.

This is important, because they came in SUPER useful today!    

 At work, I have a plant.  It's a big green plant with a thick woody trunk and bright green leaves.  It doesn't need much watering and kind of thrives on neglect, which is great, because I"m a plant killer.  It's a little brittle, though.  I came in to work the other week and it had fallen over and part of it had snapped off.   I finally got around to getting a new pot and some dirt for it.  

 I went over to pick up the plant to take it downstairs to the Flower Guild room for repotting.  As I lifted it, the branch that had previously been snapped off (and was basically just sitting in dirt) tilted wildly in a different direction than the rest of the plant and me.

I stepped back for a lunge to counterbalance.... And the healthy part of the plant snapped and came crashing down on my head and spilling dirt over my couch!  

 Desperate to not fall squealing to the floor, I twisted and heard this "swichchchchch" sort of sound.     The sound of tearing.     The sound... Of this.      
Awkward, no?  
 That is, in fact, my jeans.  They just tore.  Tore open.  Right in that very awkward spot.  I mean, how the heck do jeans even TEAR there?  Did they snag on something?  What the heck, pants?  


 Remember those Skimmies?  Oh, yes.  Dark blue Skimmies really helps camouflage the fact that you have a gaping hole in your seat bottoms!    

 So instead of my to-do list, I had to hustle off to the store for Emergency Pants.  I dreaded that immensely.  I hoped this local thrift shop might have been open, but it wasn't yet open for the day, so I had to keep going all the way to Friendship Heights, a mixed open- and closed-air mall halfway between home and work.   

 There, I walked into a Gap.  I'm currently refusing to have anything to do with Levi's, which was once a stalwart of mine.  They are going through this stupid phase where they are making "skinny" commuter jeans for women, and a "wedgie" cut.  Men's commuters have a straight leg and fuller thigh.  But apparently we bike-commuting women should be toothpicks.  And someone thinks wedgies are a good look.    

 So Gap it was!  I can't remember when I last was in a Gap.  As it so happens, they were having a GIANT sale of many things, including jeans, in many washes, cuts, and fits.   To make it better, as I was trying on, a sales lady came over and said, "You know, I usually don't say anything unless asked, but you really should go down a size."  

 That's basically like asking me for my ID at a bar.  Take my money, you sweet, sweet, angel person.  

So I snagged two pairs, in slightly different cuts, but the same general idea.  I gravitate towards flares and boot cuts because they fit better over my muscular calves and they balance my muscular thighs.   At the register, it turned out they were on an even BIGGER sale.  So my new pants were on the sale-of-a-sale-of-a-sale.     I very nearly went back for a third pair.    

 For $30, I walked out with some pretty sturdy pants.     IT's not at all how I would have replaced my jeans if I'd had my druthers.  I would have gone online, hemmed, hawed, and read a million online reviews, and then gone to a store and tried on seventy dozen pairs, and then gone to the grocery where they have nice wine.   But for emergency pants, where I NEEDED PANTS NOW, it was a win!     And the nice sales lady even let me change into my new pants in the fitting room, after I let her in on what had happened to my current pair.      

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