Sunday, August 3, 2014

A High and Low Week

 I'm rather conflicted about the total outcome of this week, and am even conflicted about my cats' efforts to be around me.  They are being very cuddly, which either means they want me to feel better or they want me dead.  It's hard to tell with cats.  I think it may be the former, as I got them new cat food and a special toy that gets filled up with catnip.

Anyway.  I have two highs for the week.

My first was a really good swim at the Wilson pool, and a few other swims at the apartment pool.  I feel like some things are coming together in my swim, which is nice, given the limited amount of swimming I'm able to do.

My other high was finally- finally!- getting my toy- the Misfit Shine.  I'd been saving my pennies for a few months, and was excited to get my toy!  I love toys. I have the Cobalt Blue one.  I especially like that I can hide it.  I've hidden it so far for a bike ride and for church, so I could track secretly without it being a big deal. But it's pretty enough to wear out, as well. So far, I've hit my goal every day, and so far, I really like that it's helping me be honest about whether I'm being active enough.

My lows were big ones.  I think they are both nutrition related.  I've been working with a nutritionist since May, and I just don't think it's working out for me.  I feel like I'm spending hours debating what and when and how to eat, and I almost never meet the quotas I'm supposed to eat.  This is making me highly anxious and deeply frustrated.  I like to Get Things Right, so consistently failing day after day upset me so much.  I feel crummy and exhausted and kind of queasy pretty much all the time.  I've heard of "low carb flu", but the nutritionist hasn't told me to be aware of anything like that.  So if I'm supposed to be feeling crummy for a few weeks, she hasn't mentioned it.  Honestly, I'm finding more information about low-carb eating and PCOS diets off the freakin' internet, and that bothers me.  A lot.  Especially when I ask if there are any books or resources I should be reading.

My other low was an epic low.  I had a really, really, really horrible ride on my beloved BMC.  I almost feel like Gilad from LifeCycle will come take my bike away, I suck so much right now.

I went out on one of my new favorite bike rides- the Anacostia hills.  The first week, at least I completed it.  Yesterday was perhaps the worst ride I've had since the e.Coli was at its worst- I couldn't even make it out of the District with the group.  I just had zero juice in my legs.  There was one gradual incline that I was grinding away at about 6MPH on.  That's slower than my running pace!  And on a road that was all but flat!

After about 25 minutes, this killer feeling of nausea and light-headedness had come over me, which would dog me for the rest of the ride.  It was so bad that I was walking hills and fighting back the pukes (and perhaps crying a little too.  I'm telling you, it was bad!).  We got to the Cemetery which has a few loops... and I felt like I was swimming in a thick molasses sea- I was so anxious I could barely breathe.  I couldn't turn the pedals over.  I couldn't will my bike up the hills.  My hands were shaking with tremors.

I love my bike.  I love to ride.  I love the freedom I feel when I ride.  I've never felt like this before- almost panicky.  (And the tremors were freaking me out.  But I didn't want to tell anyone because I was feeling paranoid that they'd make me stop riding.  Paranoia- also not like me!)

M started asking me what I wanted to do, and trying to make decisions felt like I was trying to do trigonometry in my head- it hurt!  I may have gotten angry and snappy.  Poor M- trying to reason with the hysterical angry girl who was busy yelling at him.  (Dude probably should have stopped in Eastern Market and forced me to eat a sandwich...)  Finally, I opted to bail on the ride before the end, as I was beginning to be afraid I wouldn't be able to hold down the puking any longer.  (In the end, there was no puking on the bike yesterday.)  

I went home, where M made us tuna sandwiches (of which I inhaled two, at a speedy that is sort of terrifying and also so, so sad).  And then I went to bed and slept for three hours.  And that is just NOT normal!

Let's not dwell on my dinner of a vegan meatball sub.  By that point, my body was just screaming "CARBS, SWEET JESUS, GIVE ME CARBS YOU F**KER!"  After the vegan meatball sub, the lightheadedness and nausea finally, blissfully, resolved.

I felt awful, because I was still trying to obey the nutritionist, who commanded me to not eat extra food.  And usually, I'm REALLY GOOD at controlling my intake.  But I just didn't WANT to control things anymore.  

I hate feeling like crap in general, but I especially hate feeling like crap when I'm working hard to feel better.  I've accepted that this year is going to be a rehab year, but seriously, several months into working hard, I should be stronger and faster.  And all the nutritionist stuff has done has gotten me incredibly frustrated, slower than ever, and three pounds heavier.  I hate feeling like I'm dragging the group down.

So the nutritionist is about to be my former nutritionist, and I'll be starting work with someone else very soon.  I know I need help to figure out my PCOS and dairy issues.  But this was so obviously not the answer.

I'm just sorry that I had to learn that on a bike ride.  This particular epiphany has tarnished my happy place.

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