Saturday, June 1, 2013

Kava, the Drink of the Damned

So yesterday, we went to Portland.  We are making Fridays our adventure day- taking the day off from work and housekeeping and just spending time together doing the adventurous stuff we've heard and talked about for the last two years but never did.  

This week we drove to Portland to see the Flower Festival.


It was pretty tame- just one big display and the Beat Goes On marching band, complete with cheerleaders and baton twirlers. I should totally do that when I retire.  The pompons will be holograms by then but I bet I can still remember some of my old cheer routines.  Thinking about cheer routines and walking a few miles is like working out, right? 

We did some walking by the water.  We went to Powells Books, where we both fulfilled our vow to buy books rather than getting angry at the library for making me wait 6 months, or subsisting entirely on red books.  Yes, I bought a book with actual money. It was Ann Patchett, whose work I really enjoy. State of Wonder.  I am enjoying it already. 

For dinner, we planned to go to Sunshine Tavern, which i Kept seeing reviews of. It wasn't open til 5, and we got there just before 4.  There was a "Bula Kava House" next door, but neither of us knew what kava was.  So we decided to be ADVENTUROUS and try a shell each.  

Gag.

If you strained mud and drank the mud juice, you'd have a tasty idea of the flavor.  Worse yet, the drink turned my lips and tongue numb... And the numb feeling was creeping down my throat.  Think of the dentist and novacaine.  As the numb feeling spread, I became unhappier and unhappier.  Soon, the beginnings of what would become a whanging headache set in. 

Kava also "relaxes your body", which explains why after about 15 minutes I was bolting for the bathroom.  Let us speak no more of that.  

There was a game on the table- the one where you jump pegs until only one peg remains.  M says that after about 30 minutes, I was saying things like "I can see patterns!" In the game pieces.  I felt like I was floating out of my body.  

Definitely not an experience I care to repeat! 

At 5, we went to Sunshine, where I got a few plates of pickles to wipe the mud flavor from my mouth, and then split a nice greasy pork belly sandwich.  Right now, I'm following a philosophy where I'll eat meat if its the safest option on the menu.  There were no vegan options on the menu at all, and many sandwiches included buttermilk as an ingredient.  The pork belly was the safest, truly! So I split that with M. 

After supper I fell asleep in the car, spent most of the night in a stupor with heavy limbs and a huge headache, where reportedly i woke up at one point and threatened to urn down the kava shop, and finally woke up at 5AM with the most raging hangover.  My ankles were swollen and my rings stuck on my finger from water retention.  Apparently, this is all known effects of kava.  Which is, btw, banned in several countries! Can't imagine why. 

To be fair, M did not experience such bad effects, but he's also bigger than me.  So something about my biochemistry just doesn't mesh with evil kava.  

After several cups of Yerba mate, toast and nutritional yeast spread, a runny egg, a bunch of Aleve, a vat of water, and a salad potluck where I ate a bunch of kale, I am feeling much better.  (I'm also three pounds lighter after all that food. And tea.  Which means that I'm almost back to normal since this morning.)
Ahhhhh. Salad potluck! 

No kava for me, ever again, no way, no how.  That was easily the biggest BLECH!!! food item I have ever consumed.  

No comments: