Still a phlegm filled bowl of misery, but oddly, feeling a bit better after I dragged myself out of the house. I stayed home all morning sneezing and eating soup. But once I got to work, I got some chai and started feeling a little better. Then I threw out my entire sermon and started fresh. The old one just wasn't going to work out, and the new one started coming together in less than an hour. What a pity, because I spent a whole week on the other one.
But it was Corinthians and the "love is patient, love is kind" reading. And even though I know very well it is not about two people but about a whole community, I just kept coming back to the current separation from M and how much stress he is under as he job hunts while trying to finish his fellowship and hoping he will find something that he loves and not knowing where or what that will be, and knowing the only thing that is certain are my plane tickets in April. It is very hard sometimes to remind myself to operate out of love and to not panic and run screaming that the world is ending. When I feel sick, it is very hard to be optimistic. We won't even get started on how working on that sermon brought up the memory of the world's worst baby shower that I ever attended. I always guess too large on the measure-the-mom's-belly game, and once got my cake taken away as punishment. Really. It was stress and bad memories all day.
I think that sometimes, certain sermons dig too close to the preacher's sore spot. Sometimes, it can be prophetic to preach honestly on a painful subject, but often it can just be awful to preach from a place of one's personal pain. There's just too much pain right now to preach on "love is patient". No one would find anything educational in a sermon where I meditate on "love stinks, separation sucks, the world is ending, and I'm totally freaked out". Especially because non-sick me would roll her eyes and promise it is not that bad.
A least I dragged myself through a gentle Barre3 this morning, and took a shower which means I am at least alive. (If feeling run down and stuffy and short of breath and headachy and generally whiny). Going out for a friend's birthday felt good though- carbs and salty anchovies, and I was actually feeling pretty rad by the end of it. Maybe my body is rebelling to healthiness? Or my friends have magical healing properties.
I think I have about an hour of work left on this new sermon this evening, and then I'm off to an early bedtime. I already picked up Super Bowl food for tomorrow- fake chicken nuggets and tofutti cuties. I have plenty of veggies at home to eat. So it's me and the commercials and a blanket on the couch, whatever time I get done with work tomorrow!