Saturday, September 10, 2011

Nation's: Zombie Apocalypse Style

In the zombie movie formula, it seems one starts off with the seemingly innocuous event that would touch off the great Zombie Apocalypse.

In the opening shot, the camera would pan across the waters.  You'd see debris and something pretty much just like this: brown and dirt grey mixed together.  A clever montage would include screen shots and voiceovers of news channels talking about the recent earthquake, hurricanes, and typhoons.  The camera would cut away to an airport shot where your heroine would sit reading the Washington Post.

The movie would continue with a charming comic moment, cleverly underacted with great wit, as the main character discovers that the TSA had inspected her bike and done a lousy job of repacking it.

The DC zombie movie progresses with the intrepid and brave heroine persevering through assembling the bike with nothing but an awkward multitool.  (The camera, oddly, would spend a strange amount of time panning over the tools on said multitool.)  A hard-bitten bike mechanic character would be introduced who would swiftly reassemble the bike and warn her against the Potomac.  Bad things happen in that river, he'd say.  Besides, running is for criminals and those fleeing... (movie spooky foreshadowing sound effect) the unknown evils.   In the movie, he'd leave behind a tool or two which the heroine would pick up and find useful uses for later.  (In the real world, the hard-bitten bike mechanics counts his tools so his klepto sister-in-law doesn't walk off with an allen wrench or two.)

Despite that dire warning, the main character would still head out on a mechanical ride.  And all would seem well.


Other than the bright brown sludge standing in for the river, all seems perfectly normal.   

The tri swim start would be readied.

In the movie, the tri swim dock would actually start to be assembled by dock workers who would haplessly get a bit of brown sludge on a single sliver of exposed skin.  And since we all know our zombie movies, you know how it goes from there. 

You realize very quickly that the bike-riding heroine is actually the damsel in distress, and the hero/love interest is somewhere in the skies above.  He'd land in Dulles, take a taxi to the metro, and arrive to a deserted city where abandoned papers would skitter across grimy streets.  

Somehow he'd work his way to the race hotel where he'd find the bike-riding heroine, defending a last group of survivors with a bike pump and an aerowheel, with maybe a Macbook Air fashioned into an ax.  I hear the newest edition of those things are DEADLY.  Or useful for chopping cabbage.  Those might be the same thing, actually.  

Sadly for all of us, every time I have taken the "Would you survive the zombie apocalypse test", I inevitably come up with the answer of, "You will lead a group of survivors to relative safety but die sacrificing yourself in sight of sanctuary".  M, on the other hand, is always "You survive to build a new society on the ashes of the debris-filled zombie wasteland".  

So I have no idea how the story ends.  

Put your money on M in the event of Zombie-Apocalypse, and in the meantime, let's all be grateful that the swim was called off and that no human beings that we know of were actually exposed to the Potomac sludge above. 

Did the Nation's Race organizers save us all from certain death? 

We may never know for sure.  But let's give them credit where credit is due.  

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